My Mood Swings My Mood Bounces

My Moods Don't Swing

My Moods Don’t Swing

My moods don’t swing, they bounce


What do I mean? I wonder the same too.

How can a person’s mood change so rapidly, it’s insane. Sometimes I don’t even realize it, how it changed, what caused it, and what can I do about it. It’s tiring.


One minute I feel as though I’m all ready to conquer the world, and the next minute I’m all drained out.

This morning when I got up, my mood wasn’t at its best. I was so grumpy that you couldn’t imagine what I was like. All I wanted to do was get the kids to school and have my peace and quiet. I was feeling awful. Then things changed, I went for breakfast as usual. The difference was having my stepsons around today and they are not the cause of my downward spiral. We started talking and all of a sudden a burst of positive energy came upon me. That’s when my mood changed for the 100th time. In a short span of minutes, hours and days, my moods can bounce from anywhere high to low.  How does that happen to a person? I couldn’t understand it.




An hour ago, I felt so motivated, energetic and confident. An hour later it went down the opposite I feel so drained, exhausted, numb, and I just want to hide.   Am I the only insane being going through this? No one seems to understand that. I want to feel better too, I want to be that confident, motivated, energetic, mom, wife and person. But I don’t have the energy to challenge my mind. I want to sleep so that it can all go away but I couldn’t fall asleep. All of a sudden I feel so NUMB, I can’t feel anything at all. And again I feel so empty, lifeless and soulless. I don’t have the words to describe what I am experiencing. It’s not that I’m in a bad mood, it’s just not that kind of mood or thing. If you know what I mean. Oh please, tell me that I’m not the only one. I wish someone can actually understand what I’m going through. It’s frustrating when your energy level fluctuates in its own crazy way. You don’t have control of it.


I'm Not Crazy, I'm NOT

I’m Not Crazy, I’m NOT


It’s not like what everyone says, just get over it, do something and stop being lazing.

It’s just not like that. I’m so frustrated with all these thoughts in my head, they won’t stop repeating. I keep hearing them whenever my mood spirals down. Everyone thinks I’m just simply impossible. I wish that was the case, then would it be so much easier to understand and manage. But it really isn’t. If only someone believed me.

There Is Light At The End Of The Tunnel

There Is Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Please tell me that I’m not alone. I’m not crazy. I need help. I want to be helped.


The Anxiety Of Writing Is Real


The Anxiety of Writing Is Real

The Anxiety of Writing Is Real


The Anxiety Of Writing Is Real


Graphophobia – A fear of writing





This makes me feel vulnerable that I’m exposing the innermost thoughts and that writing could lead to devastating outcomes for me in my life.



Writing in public knowledge leads to a paranoia which is akin to being naked in public

Dive Into Your Emotions

Dive Into Your Emotions

A journal is a place for us to dive into our emotions about our lives

I’m unable to shake the fear of writing honestly, or of releasing raw emotions and truth to the page, having just the thought of doing so fills me with shame. I have a fear that I’ll get invaded through my writing. It’s real. It makes me feel vulnerable knowing that I am exposing my inner thoughts and the devastating outcome which can happen. What if someone knows that it’s me, things that I’ve never shared with anyone, memories which I have buried comes out to light. What if my husband, friends or family find out who I am.

How did the fear come about?

Simply because I have buried too many memories, feelings, and events that I am ashamed of, matters which has been left undealt with. And since I have started writing, these “MEMORIES, FEELINGS AND EVENTS” are surfacing, forcing me to be in touch with myself again. Maybe there is more to it, which I haven’t figured out.

Embrace Your Fears

Embrace Your Fears

What I Concluded

Is there a cure for it?

I doubt so. There are so many things, topics, and articles which I can write. But that is not what I want to do. The only rule I have for myself is to feel it and to use it in my work. If it’s not coming, then I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t purge the fear because the fear is a part of me and that makes me special in this entire progress. The anxiety and fear have crippled me and I have not learned how to deal with that.

Learning to embrace the fear

Learning how to make it trans-formative is a very personal integral process which I hope to achieve. It is only when I learn to embrace the fear and to accept, then will I be able to heal and take it off as a writer. My goal is to ride the wave of healing and this is my journey. What’s Yours?


Believe In Yourself

Believe In Yourself


 “Your Experiences Will Bring You, Riches”

And I wish you the best of luck on your journey too.


Check out my previous article ” Always to Blame, Always My Fault, Always You & Never Me


Hello Depression, I HATE You

Hello Depression, I Hate You

Hello Depression, I Hate You


Hello Depression, I Hate You.


What if I told you that this is just the beginning of your journey.


I had no idea who and what this ”Depression” was all about. Until it decided to pop by and stay for the longest time. I’m assuming that you are just like me.



I was 21 when I was officially diagnosed with Depression after being in the medical system for 5 years.

I didn’t know if my depression was caused by the traumatic events that happened in my life, a genetic possibility or perhaps both.




I Was Only 15

At the age of 15, I went through one of the most traumatic, painful, depressing and lonely stages of life. I was forced to leave home at a young tender age of 15. And I had to live and survive on my own without any family or extended support. A little girl and the world.

The guy named ”M”

Then I met a guy named ” M ” age 31 at a club and who was very kind and nice towards me. Despite knowing him for only a short time, he provided me with a place to stay, food to eat, and money to survive. Being so vulnerable, I accepted it all since there were no other options. And it didn’t seem harmful at least at that point in time. It seemed ”GREAT” for me.

Eventually, I started falling for ” M ” who was much older than me and we got together officially as a couple. For the first 3 months, everything seemed perfect. I had a place to stay, I had someone who I could lean on, I no longer needed to be in this unknown and scary world by myself, I felt the warmth, the safety, and my tummy was filled.

But, I was WRONG.


A Little Girl and The World

A Little Girl and The World


The beginning of the downfall

Strangely enough ”M” stopped having any more money. From here on, I ended up working in a nightclub as a hostess to support myself, ”M”, his lifestyle and his monthly car installments.  Every night when I returned home at 2 am, ”M” demanded that I strip naked so that he can check my body for any marks or perfume smell of other guys. The one and only time when I had not given in, he started beating me terribly using the reason that it was cause I had not listened, I was rude and disrespectful for talking back to him.


The physical, verbal, mental and emotional abuse


The Scars and Abuse

The Scars and Abuse


And that was when it all started. Little did I know that it wasn’t just physical abuse that he put me through. I was physical, verbally, emotionally, mentally abused and manipulated. During this time, I had nowhere and no one that I could have turned too. It frightened me so much. It was as if he became another person. He kicked my head to the floor, punched me and used a padlock to hit my head. Thankfully I suffered no major injury. The beating, and abused continued which seemed like forever.




Am I Pregnant

Shortly after I started missing my period, I did think that I could possibly be pregnant. However, with the naivety and immaturity, I didn’t bother too much about it. And so life went on as usual for another 2 months or more. That was when I started worrying that the chances of me being pregnant are rather high. I did share with ”M” but he didn’t seem to think much and be bothered about it.



Where Should I Go

Where Should I Go

Cross Junction

”M” and the girl in bed

That morning after my usual work night I returned home, only to be stunned, speechless and heartbroken. I opened the room door and I saw ”M” and a girl lying in bed asleep. Upon hearing the room door opened”M” woke up and quickly silenced me with his palms. To my surprise ”M” politely requested for me to leave the house and wait outside before the girl sees me. Which of course I did not. I was filled with tears in my eyes and voice was choked. How could he have done this to me? I couldn’t believe it. But that wasn’t the worst. The worst has yet to come. The girl came out to me and told me that nothing happened between them, they were just friends and that she has no other intentions.


I cried to the girl who was in bed with ”M’




Outside the house, I broke down screaming at the top of my lungs with my head buried in my hands. I cried to her and told her my pains and the possibility that I may be pregnant. I must have lost my mind.  All the memories and pain are still fresh in my head.


Running to ”M” mother for help

With tears rolling down my cheeks I walked down the side of the road, I stopped at the cross junction and broke down. I wanted to end my life there and then, run into the road and hope that I’ll die. But something inside me just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I went to ”M” mother’s house, hoping that she would help me. But again I was wrong! ”M” accused me of lying in front of his mother and the girl. Looking straight into my eyes, he blatantly and heartless called me a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator. And again, I was left alone under the block all by myself, whereas ”M” and the girl went off together on the bike.


The crying, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness began

After all, that happened for the subsequent nights I cried myself to sleep every single day without fail. I waited for him to return every day, which he never did. Every single sound of the bike which passed my house would trigger me even when I was asleep. I ran to the back of the house to see if he had returned. Eventually, he came home just to pass me a $10 note along with a packet of cigarette.


Drugs became my best friend

Later on, I started taking drugs with ”M” sister. I was wishing that I could get rid of all the pain I was in the fear, the anxiety, the hopelessness, the despair, and exhaustion. It was all too intense for me to bear.



Wishing For Hope To Survive




If only

If only there was someone who was there with me and for me. If only someone came forward. If only I had someone to call and not men who were just waiting to make use of my vulnerability to bed me. If only I was loved. If only I had a mom who was there for me. If only my great-grandmother was still around. If only my foster family was here. There were too many If Only. But it was pointless. None of it would have happened. No one cared, no one bothered. I was better off dead. Just like when my mom told me ” I never wanted you ” I understand that NOW BECAUSE if my biological mom never wanted me, who else would have.





Unwanted, cheap and worthless was my name

I never slept whilst I was on the drugs for a few days, neither did I eat. All I wanted to do was take the drug and wish that something negative would happen. Anyways, my life wasn’t worth anything for a start. This went on for a few months. There were many occasions when the girl would text me, offering to buy some food for me. After a while, I realized I was being too naive and trusting. I know that she wasn’t sincere at all. She intentionally used ”M” phone to text me. Telling me things like they were on the way to pass me the $10.


How can a human be so inhuman

How would you feel being in my shoes, the girl who you caught with your partner, being nice to you on the start and now calling you names and blaming you for everything that happened? She blamed me for everything that was happening to me, she told me that ”M” preferred her because she was a virgin and that I am now old, unwanted, cheap and worthless. The kind of pain I felt is indescribable, how can someone be so heartless? It was not something I can comprehend up to this day.



At The Present Time

At this moment

These are just a few of the incidents which happened leading up to my depression, anxiety and whatever other mental traumas are suffering from.


The truth as I write

It is indeed very painful as I haven’t recovered myself. Walking down memory lane definitely triggered me. It feels like as though I had to relive the moments which I had buried deep away.


Opening the Doors

Opening the Doors

The purpose

In the support groups, forums, and even self-help groups. I noticed that there were many people who were experiencing a similar situation as I was back then. People who are heartbroken, depressed, lonely, hopeless, and even thinking of suicide. I want to share my story with you to help you and to help me.



A note to my readers, and those in pain

You are not alone

If you are experiencing a similar pain, please know that you are not alone. We can support one another in all of this mess. Many people may not understand or even be empathetic about it, but that doesn’t and shouldn’t affect you and me. Everyone’s journey isn’t the same. And no 2 persons are alike. It doesn’t matter what they say or has to say. We don’t need any more advises, or people to pry into our business, our pain, and struggles. Sometimes all we need is to know that there is someone out there, living under the same sky as you who is struggling too. You are not alone.



You have a RIGHT, Your story, your pain, and your struggle are yours and for you to own.

Don’t ever allow anyone to take that little bit left in you.





I’ll end of here today, after writing this article it has indeed triggered me. The pain is real and the memories will never be gone. I don’t know what is ahead waiting for me. To find out more, please give me your support. It means a lot for me to go on and have a purpose and meaning in my life.




What It’s Like Living With Depression and Anxiety | Mental Health | Searching Her

The Unseen Depression

The Unseen Depression


What it’s like living with depression and anxiety



What it’s like living with depression and anxiety

First of all, It is different from feeling sad or being in a bad mood.

In other words, unhappiness is something everyone feels at one point.

A depressed mood is a normal temporary reaction to life events such as loss of a loved one. But being sad is not the same as having depression.

Unlike a person suffering from depression may experience high levels of Anxiety together with other symptoms. For example, simple things like going to work, socializing with friends, or getting out of bed can be a struggle. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away.

Depression comes in many different forms.

Not everyone who is depressed experiences every symptom. Some people experience only a few symptoms while others may experience many. Fortunately, it is also treatable.  Below is a list of common signs and symptoms to look out for.


Common Signs and Symptoms


Signs and Symptoms

Signs and Symptoms


Symptoms must last at least two weeks for a diagnosis of depression.

  • Tiredness and loss of energy.
  • Sadness that doesn’t go away.
  • Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem.
  • Difficulty concentrating.
  • Restlessness.
  • Not being able to enjoy things that are usually pleasurable or interesting.
  • Feeling anxious all the time
  • Avoiding people, sometimes even your close friends
  • Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
  • Sleep pattern changes
  • Strong feelings of guilt or worthlessness
  • Finding it hard to function at work/college/school
  • Loss of appetite or a sudden increase in appetite
  • Loss of sex drive
  • Physical aches
  • Recurring thoughts of death
  • Self-harm


What Causes Depression?

Depression is not a mood you can just get over.

It is far more common than you might think, with nearly one out of 10 adults depressed at any time, about half of them severely.

No one knows the exact cause, however, researchers estimate that almost one out of every five people in the US, will experience major depression at some point in their lifetime. There are many possible causes such as stressful life events, medical conditions, or chemical imbalance.

It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away.


Ways To Cope

Find Your Happy Place

Find Your Happy Place


  • The primary medical options are Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
  • Anti-depressant medication
  • Exercise not only improves your health. Endorphins (‘feel good’hormones) are released and this can raise your mood
  • Breathing exercises and muscle relaxation
  • Build a support network with others who may be experiencing the same things as you
  • Continue to educate yourself about depression
  • Set realistic goals for yourself
  • Ask someone else for what you need
  • Talk to a therapist
  • Express yourself in writing
  • Stay connected with friends and families
  • Develop a healthy sleep routine


Getting Help


Help Is Available, You Are NOT Alone

Help Is Available, You Are NOT Alone


If you or someone you know is unable to cope with depression, professional help is available.

Chances are you may have experienced the disorder at some point in your life. If you are unsure, there is no harm in getting an assessment just to reassure yourself.

You don’t have to struggle through it alone. Don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do. A mental illness/disorder is just like any other illness. Seek treatment early. Help is available and you are not alone.


Searching Her Videos

In the meantime, I have made a short video.

If you like to watch it you can click on the link provided: