Hello Depression, I Hate You.
What if I told you that this is just the beginning of your journey.
I had no idea who and what this ”Depression” was all about. Until it decided to pop by and stay for the longest time. I’m assuming that you are just like me.
WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?
I was 21 when I was officially diagnosed with Depression after being in the medical system for 5 years.
I didn’t know if my depression was caused by the traumatic events that happened in my life, a genetic possibility or perhaps both.
A LITTLE GIRL AND THE WORLD
I Was Only 15
At the age of 15, I went through one of the most traumatic, painful, depressing and lonely stages of life. I was forced to leave home at a young tender age of 15. And I had to live and survive on my own without any family or extended support. A little girl and the world.
The guy named ”M”
Then I met a guy named ” M ” age 31 at a club and who was very kind and nice towards me. Despite knowing him for only a short time, he provided me with a place to stay, food to eat, and money to survive. Being so vulnerable, I accepted it all since there were no other options. And it didn’t seem harmful at least at that point in time. It seemed ”GREAT” for me.
Eventually, I started falling for ” M ” who was much older than me and we got together officially as a couple. For the first 3 months, everything seemed perfect. I had a place to stay, I had someone who I could lean on, I no longer needed to be in this unknown and scary world by myself, I felt the warmth, the safety, and my tummy was filled.
But, I was WRONG.
I WAS REGRETTABLY WRONG
The beginning of the downfall
Strangely enough ”M” stopped having any more money. From here on, I ended up working in a nightclub as a hostess to support myself, ”M”, his lifestyle and his monthly car installments. Every night when I returned home at 2 am, ”M” demanded that I strip naked so that he can check my body for any marks or perfume smell of other guys. The one and only time when I had not given in, he started beating me terribly using the reason that it was cause I had not listened, I was rude and disrespectful for talking back to him.
The physical, verbal, mental and emotional abuse
And that was when it all started. Little did I know that it wasn’t just physical abuse that he put me through. I was physical, verbally, emotionally, mentally abused and manipulated. During this time, I had nowhere and no one that I could have turned too. It frightened me so much. It was as if he became another person. He kicked my head to the floor, punched me and used a padlock to hit my head. Thankfully I suffered no major injury. The beating, and abused continued which seemed like forever.
Am I Pregnant
Shortly after I started missing my period, I did think that I could possibly be pregnant. However, with the naivety and immaturity, I didn’t bother too much about it. And so life went on as usual for another 2 months or more. That was when I started worrying that the chances of me being pregnant are rather high. I did share with ”M” but he didn’t seem to think much and be bothered about it.
”M” and the girl in bed
That morning after my usual work night I returned home, only to be stunned, speechless and heartbroken. I opened the room door and I saw ”M” and a girl lying in bed asleep. Upon hearing the room door opened”M” woke up and quickly silenced me with his palms. To my surprise ”M” politely requested for me to leave the house and wait outside before the girl sees me. Which of course I did not. I was filled with tears in my eyes and voice was choked. How could he have done this to me? I couldn’t believe it. But that wasn’t the worst. The worst has yet to come. The girl came out to me and told me that nothing happened between them, they were just friends and that she has no other intentions.
I cried to the girl who was in bed with ”M’
Outside the house, I broke down screaming at the top of my lungs with my head buried in my hands. I cried to her and told her my pains and the possibility that I may be pregnant. I must have lost my mind. All the memories and pain are still fresh in my head.
Running to ”M” mother for help
With tears rolling down my cheeks I walked down the side of the road, I stopped at the cross junction and broke down. I wanted to end my life there and then, run into the road and hope that I’ll die. But something inside me just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I went to ”M” mother’s house, hoping that she would help me. But again I was wrong! ”M” accused me of lying in front of his mother and the girl. Looking straight into my eyes, he blatantly and heartless called me a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator. And again, I was left alone under the block all by myself, whereas ”M” and the girl went off together on the bike.
The crying, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness began
After all, that happened for the subsequent nights I cried myself to sleep every single day without fail. I waited for him to return every day, which he never did. Every single sound of the bike which passed my house would trigger me even when I was asleep. I ran to the back of the house to see if he had returned. Eventually, he came home just to pass me a $10 note along with a packet of cigarette.
Drugs became my best friend
Later on, I started taking drugs with ”M” sister. I was wishing that I could get rid of all the pain I was in the fear, the anxiety, the hopelessness, the despair, and exhaustion. It was all too intense for me to bear.
Wishing For Hope To Survive
If only there was someone who was there with me and for me. If only someone came forward. If only I had someone to call and not men who were just waiting to make use of my vulnerability to bed me. If only I was loved. If only I had a mom who was there for me. If only my great-grandmother was still around. If only my foster family was here. There were too many If Only. But it was pointless. None of it would have happened. No one cared, no one bothered. I was better off dead. Just like when my mom told me ” I never wanted you ” I understand that NOW BECAUSE if my biological mom never wanted me, who else would have.
Unwanted, cheap and worthless was my name
I never slept whilst I was on the drugs for a few days, neither did I eat. All I wanted to do was take the drug and wish that something negative would happen. Anyways, my life wasn’t worth anything for a start. This went on for a few months. There were many occasions when the girl would text me, offering to buy some food for me. After a while, I realized I was being too naive and trusting. I know that she wasn’t sincere at all. She intentionally used ”M” phone to text me. Telling me things like they were on the way to pass me the $10.
How can a human be so inhuman
How would you feel being in my shoes, the girl who you caught with your partner, being nice to you on the start and now calling you names and blaming you for everything that happened? She blamed me for everything that was happening to me, she told me that ”M” preferred her because she was a virgin and that I am now old, unwanted, cheap and worthless. The kind of pain I felt is indescribable, how can someone be so heartless? It was not something I can comprehend up to this day.
At The Present Time
At this moment
These are just a few of the incidents which happened leading up to my depression, anxiety and whatever other mental traumas are suffering from.
The truth as I write
It is indeed very painful as I haven’t recovered myself. Walking down memory lane definitely triggered me. It feels like as though I had to relive the moments which I had buried deep away.
In the support groups, forums, and even self-help groups. I noticed that there were many people who were experiencing a similar situation as I was back then. People who are heartbroken, depressed, lonely, hopeless, and even thinking of suicide. I want to share my story with you to help you and to help me.
A note to my readers, and those in pain
You are not alone
If you are experiencing a similar pain, please know that you are not alone. We can support one another in all of this mess. Many people may not understand or even be empathetic about it, but that doesn’t and shouldn’t affect you and me. Everyone’s journey isn’t the same. And no 2 persons are alike. It doesn’t matter what they say or has to say. We don’t need any more advises, or people to pry into our business, our pain, and struggles. Sometimes all we need is to know that there is someone out there, living under the same sky as you who is struggling too. You are not alone.
REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH EVERYTHING
You have a RIGHT, Your story, your pain, and your struggle are yours and for you to own.
Don’t ever allow anyone to take that little bit left in you.
I’ll end of here today, after writing this article it has indeed triggered me. The pain is real and the memories will never be gone. I don’t know what is ahead waiting for me. To find out more, please give me your support. It means a lot for me to go on and have a purpose and meaning in my life.