Haunting Past ? 10 Ways To Overcome Your Toxic Past Relationship.

Haunting Past ? 10 Ways To Overcome Your Toxic Past Relationship.     Haunting Past Relationship

1. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR BEING ENTANGLED IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP IN THE PAST.

Most of us if not all of us have at least been in a toxic relationship once before. One that causes mental stress, emotional imbalance, and many breakdowns. Know that it does not only happen to you. A good start will be telling yourself it happens in life to almost everybody and stop blaming yourself. There is no “what if” here, it happened cos it happened. End of story.       Haunting Past Relationship

2. DO NOT EVER PUNISH YOUR PRESENT RELATIONSHIP FOR WHAT YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP DID.

So you had a bad relationship in the past, know that your present relationship with your partner is NOT THE SAME. He or she is not that person you dated and hated in the past. Do not compare or try to find similarities in the present relationship. Be willing to accept your partner for who she/he is. Create happy memories together. If there is any similarity to the trauma you have endured in the past do let your partner know. Talk, Speak and discuss it together as a couple. You will be amazed by the results. Try it.     Haunting Past Relationship

3. ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN’T UNDO YOUR PAST.

Acceptance is key in every recovery process. Accept that once upon a time, your relationship sucks. You can’t undo it, YOU NEVER WILL. Accept that it’s in the past, you had no control over it. Your past made you the person you are today, accept it. And without that UGLY HAUNTING PAST, you might still be “clueless” you and still be stuck in a toxic relationship. While it takes time to “swallow” and “absorb” the reality, take it from me, you need to free yourself. You will see things clearer and from a better perspective once you fully accept that you can’t undo your past.   Haunting Past Relationship  

4. STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR HAUNTING PAST, “WALK THE OTHER DIRECTION”.

I know, you can’t help it. It’s lingering and loitering at the back of your mind. The proven way for me every single time is to walk the other direction. Find yourself being stuck in your past again and again? Keep going the other direction. It’s actually simple logic, you don’t run into a burning building. (This does not apply to all the firemen reading this, thank you guys for your service.) Instead, you run the other direction to save yourself. Apply this “theory” in your life and you are able to rescue yourself again and again. It takes practice but you will get the hang out of it.   Haunting Past Relationship  

5. DISCONNECT WITH YOUR PAST AND RECONNECT WITH YOUR PRESENT.

If you find yourself “is in the past”, find every possible way to disconnect with it. Tell yourself it’s not real and it’s really all just your haunting past. Call your partner, family members or even trusted close friends and talk about it. Do not allow it to “grapple” you to the ground and leave you suffocated. Most of the time upon reaching out, your loved ones will come to aid you. In fact that they will feel honored that you trust them enough to reach out. Once reconnected in your present, realize that you are loved and there are people who are willing to walk the path with you. You are not alone.

  Haunting Past Relationship

6. STRIVE TO BE A BETTER PERSON TODAY AND NOW!

Learn how to cook if you haven’t. Surprise your partner with that “sumptuous ” home cooked dinner. Gone are the days where the cooking is all left to the woman to be done. Try fixing things at home, create a bucket list of “to dos” With tons of resources available online and offline, there will never be a day where you cant learn a new skill or teach yourself something. In this era, having a growth mindset will help you in so many ways and without you realizing it, you are way ahead from that person you are from that haunting past. Not only will you benefit from it personally, but the people you loved around you will also benefit from it too. No negativity here, all positive.   Haunting Past Relationship  

7. FIND FORGIVENESS, NOT TOWARDS YOUR EX- OR YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP BUT FOR YOURSELF.

You need to forgive yourself. You heard it a million times from a million people, DO NOT SELF BLAME. Forgive yourself and keep forgiving yourself. That’s the only way. Don’t expect the toxic people from your haunting past to ask or beg for forgiveness from you. They are done and gone. It’s you, your new partner and whatever lies ahead of you. Take some time to reflect, “mourn” if you have to and forgive yourself again and again. Once you are well grounded on planet earth again know that you have a bright future ahead with so much opportunity. Haunting Past Relationship  

8. PRACTICE GRATITUDE AND BE MINDFUL OF YOUR PRESENT.

Practice gratitude and keep on practicing. Be thankful for even the smallest of things. The air you breathe, the mailman who ensured that your mail comes on time, that Uber driver who gave you a charging cable while sending you to the office. There are many benefits of practicing gratitude, you can read it here.  Mindfulness is often the approach by many Psychotherapist. You need to be in your present and be mindful of your surrounding. There are many benefits to reap from being mindful. I will write about it in future articles. Being mindful has helped me take control of my life in so many ways.   Haunting Past Relationship  

9. CREATE NEW MEMORIES WITH YOUR PRESENT RELATIONSHIP.

So forget the past. You get it by now. What should you do next? Well, the answer to that is quite simple and straightforward. Create new memories with your partner, beautiful ones. In no time your newly created happy memories will overwhelm your haunting past. And if ever you look back, all you see is newly created happy memories. Do not limit the possibilities and chances of having a better NEW  past and better future.   Haunting Past Relationship  

10. YOUR LIFE DOES NOT GET BETTER BY CHANCE, IT GETS BETTER BY CHANGE.

After all the above is said and done. You need to understand that your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by the change. Change takes a lot of effort and it does not happen overnight and by itself. Put in the effort and see the results for yourself. Keep working towards the betterment of yourself and the future.    

In Conclusion.

The above list is just 10 Ways To Overcome Your Toxic Past Relationship. The actual list is endless. And you may have a different list from mine. What works for me might not work for you, I think the main message I try to convey here is to NEVER GIVE UP in yourself EVER. The world has its shares of negativity, we do not need to add to that. You control your future and destiny. Believe in yourself.         If you are curious about my personal haunting past, you can read it here.  Follow me on my Facebook page: Searching Her @TheMentalHealthLife      

The Inner Self Within You

 

The Inner Self Within You

The Inner Self Within You

The Inner Self Within You

 

When was the last time you actually really talked to yourself?

That minute, hour, day, days, months and years just passed by without you realizing. What have you really been doing? Busy working, putting food on the table, spending time on social media, running errands?

 

Have You Spoken To The Inner Self Within You?

What about you? What about your inner self which is most important above all else? We are constantly trying to please everyone around us, we are so preoccupied with the thing and materials in the world. That we FORGET. We FORGET  to live and we FORGET the meaning of life.

 

Living Life

Living Life

What does the word Life and Living mean to you?

Every single day I see many soulless human beings going through the motion. None of them are living in the present. What happened to the simplicity in the human world. Many of you may not agree with me whereas others may find happiness, fulfillment, contentment in your jobs, qualifications, cars, houses whatever that is for you. If that is the truth and that is what truly makes your life meaningful for you, then I’m happy for you. Afterall it boils down to “Whatever Works”

 

I live inside my head

I speak for myself and I must admit that I forgot what life is all about and I constantly need reminders. Pilled up with guilt, shame, anger, inadequacy, hurt, unworthiness, you name it and it’s there. Not because I want to dwell on it, but the reality is depression is a disease that eats you up slowly without you even knowing. Depression can happen to any and everyone with or without a reason.

 

The Inner Child Hidden In Me

Hidden Within

Hidden Within

Whilst reflecting I realized that there is a little child from my past stuck within me. She has been my voice, she leads my life, she controls my thoughts. It is ironic that I’m terrified of this little girl otherwise also known as little me and for this sole reason I avoided talking to myself. I did not want to meet her. I ran and I kept running from myself and everyone around me. It feels like as though she has taken control of my life. Perhaps it is time for me to gain the courage to ”Make A Difference” Stop living in the Past and be focused on the present.

 

Thank you for your heartfelt message

Moving forward, I would like to give a shout out to Beauty Of The Bloom https://www.instagram.com/beautyofthebloom/.  When I wrote my first article I never thought that anyone would read it. When she dropped me the first comment on my post, I felt so touched, appreciated and thankful.  And it is because of that little action which left an impact on me. Thank you for sharing with me your thoughts and encouragement.

 

That Simple Action You Make Can Change Someone’s Life

We never know how much the little actions as trivial as they seem to us actually could mean the world to someone else. Because of that little action from you, you gave me HOPE to keep going.

 

 

The Light of Hope

The Light of Hope

 

Never underestimate your goodwill for someone else.

Something we all already know, it doesn’t take a genius to know it. We are humans, we need constant reminders, motivation, and encouragement. Just like you, I need them too. Perhaps the only difference is the frequency I need them. Don’t be surprised I even need motivation and encouragement to get simple daily basic life errands to be done. And if that’s you too, you’re not alone.

 

I Did Something Today, Let’s see how tomorrow goes.

Finally, after realizing that I have been stuck in my past and that I have unknowingly allowed my past to affect my present and future. I want to make that change. The first step to change is always to have ”Awareness”  And If all you did today was get out of bed, that’s a start.

 

Change Is Constant

Change Is Constant

 

Be In The PRESENT, The Answers Are Within You

 

The Anxiety Of Writing Is Real

 

The Anxiety of Writing Is Real

The Anxiety of Writing Is Real

 

The Anxiety Of Writing Is Real

 

Graphophobia – A fear of writing

http://phobia.wikia.com/wiki/Graphophobia

 

Graphophobia

Graphophobia

 

This makes me feel vulnerable that I’m exposing the innermost thoughts and that writing could lead to devastating outcomes for me in my life.

 

 

Writing in public knowledge leads to a paranoia which is akin to being naked in public

Dive Into Your Emotions

Dive Into Your Emotions

A journal is a place for us to dive into our emotions about our lives

I’m unable to shake the fear of writing honestly, or of releasing raw emotions and truth to the page, having just the thought of doing so fills me with shame. I have a fear that I’ll get invaded through my writing. It’s real. It makes me feel vulnerable knowing that I am exposing my inner thoughts and the devastating outcome which can happen. What if someone knows that it’s me, things that I’ve never shared with anyone, memories which I have buried comes out to light. What if my husband, friends or family find out who I am.

How did the fear come about?

Simply because I have buried too many memories, feelings, and events that I am ashamed of, matters which has been left undealt with. And since I have started writing, these “MEMORIES, FEELINGS AND EVENTS” are surfacing, forcing me to be in touch with myself again. Maybe there is more to it, which I haven’t figured out.

Embrace Your Fears

Embrace Your Fears

What I Concluded

Is there a cure for it?

I doubt so. There are so many things, topics, and articles which I can write. But that is not what I want to do. The only rule I have for myself is to feel it and to use it in my work. If it’s not coming, then I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t purge the fear because the fear is a part of me and that makes me special in this entire progress. The anxiety and fear have crippled me and I have not learned how to deal with that.

Learning to embrace the fear

Learning how to make it trans-formative is a very personal integral process which I hope to achieve. It is only when I learn to embrace the fear and to accept, then will I be able to heal and take it off as a writer. My goal is to ride the wave of healing and this is my journey. What’s Yours?

 

Believe In Yourself

Believe In Yourself

 

 “Your Experiences Will Bring You, Riches”

And I wish you the best of luck on your journey too.

 

Check out my previous article ” Always to Blame, Always My Fault, Always You & Never Me

https://searchingher.com/alwaystoblamealwaysmyfaultalwaysyouneverme/

 

Hello Depression, I HATE You

Hello Depression, I Hate You

Hello Depression, I Hate You

 

Hello Depression, I Hate You.

 

What if I told you that this is just the beginning of your journey.

 

I had no idea who and what this ”Depression” was all about. Until it decided to pop by and stay for the longest time. I’m assuming that you are just like me.

 

WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME?

I was 21 when I was officially diagnosed with Depression after being in the medical system for 5 years.

I didn’t know if my depression was caused by the traumatic events that happened in my life, a genetic possibility or perhaps both.

 

 

A LITTLE GIRL AND THE WORLD

I Was Only 15

At the age of 15, I went through one of the most traumatic, painful, depressing and lonely stages of life. I was forced to leave home at a young tender age of 15. And I had to live and survive on my own without any family or extended support. A little girl and the world.

The guy named ”M”

Then I met a guy named ” M ” age 31 at a club and who was very kind and nice towards me. Despite knowing him for only a short time, he provided me with a place to stay, food to eat, and money to survive. Being so vulnerable, I accepted it all since there were no other options. And it didn’t seem harmful at least at that point in time. It seemed ”GREAT” for me.

Eventually, I started falling for ” M ” who was much older than me and we got together officially as a couple. For the first 3 months, everything seemed perfect. I had a place to stay, I had someone who I could lean on, I no longer needed to be in this unknown and scary world by myself, I felt the warmth, the safety, and my tummy was filled.

But, I was WRONG.

 

A Little Girl and The World

A Little Girl and The World

I WAS REGRETTABLY WRONG

The beginning of the downfall

Strangely enough ”M” stopped having any more money. From here on, I ended up working in a nightclub as a hostess to support myself, ”M”, his lifestyle and his monthly car installments.  Every night when I returned home at 2 am, ”M” demanded that I strip naked so that he can check my body for any marks or perfume smell of other guys. The one and only time when I had not given in, he started beating me terribly using the reason that it was cause I had not listened, I was rude and disrespectful for talking back to him.

 

The physical, verbal, mental and emotional abuse

 

The Scars and Abuse

The Scars and Abuse

 

And that was when it all started. Little did I know that it wasn’t just physical abuse that he put me through. I was physical, verbally, emotionally, mentally abused and manipulated. During this time, I had nowhere and no one that I could have turned too. It frightened me so much. It was as if he became another person. He kicked my head to the floor, punched me and used a padlock to hit my head. Thankfully I suffered no major injury. The beating, and abused continued which seemed like forever.

 

 

 

Am I Pregnant

Shortly after I started missing my period, I did think that I could possibly be pregnant. However, with the naivety and immaturity, I didn’t bother too much about it. And so life went on as usual for another 2 months or more. That was when I started worrying that the chances of me being pregnant are rather high. I did share with ”M” but he didn’t seem to think much and be bothered about it.

 

 

Where Should I Go

Where Should I Go

Cross Junction

”M” and the girl in bed

That morning after my usual work night I returned home, only to be stunned, speechless and heartbroken. I opened the room door and I saw ”M” and a girl lying in bed asleep. Upon hearing the room door opened”M” woke up and quickly silenced me with his palms. To my surprise ”M” politely requested for me to leave the house and wait outside before the girl sees me. Which of course I did not. I was filled with tears in my eyes and voice was choked. How could he have done this to me? I couldn’t believe it. But that wasn’t the worst. The worst has yet to come. The girl came out to me and told me that nothing happened between them, they were just friends and that she has no other intentions.

 

I cried to the girl who was in bed with ”M’

TEARS

TEARS

 

Outside the house, I broke down screaming at the top of my lungs with my head buried in my hands. I cried to her and told her my pains and the possibility that I may be pregnant. I must have lost my mind.  All the memories and pain are still fresh in my head.

 

Running to ”M” mother for help

With tears rolling down my cheeks I walked down the side of the road, I stopped at the cross junction and broke down. I wanted to end my life there and then, run into the road and hope that I’ll die. But something inside me just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I went to ”M” mother’s house, hoping that she would help me. But again I was wrong! ”M” accused me of lying in front of his mother and the girl. Looking straight into my eyes, he blatantly and heartless called me a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator. And again, I was left alone under the block all by myself, whereas ”M” and the girl went off together on the bike.

 

The crying, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness began

After all, that happened for the subsequent nights I cried myself to sleep every single day without fail. I waited for him to return every day, which he never did. Every single sound of the bike which passed my house would trigger me even when I was asleep. I ran to the back of the house to see if he had returned. Eventually, he came home just to pass me a $10 note along with a packet of cigarette.

 

Drugs became my best friend

Later on, I started taking drugs with ”M” sister. I was wishing that I could get rid of all the pain I was in the fear, the anxiety, the hopelessness, the despair, and exhaustion. It was all too intense for me to bear.

 

 

Wishing For Hope To Survive

 

HOPE

HOPE

If only

If only there was someone who was there with me and for me. If only someone came forward. If only I had someone to call and not men who were just waiting to make use of my vulnerability to bed me. If only I was loved. If only I had a mom who was there for me. If only my great-grandmother was still around. If only my foster family was here. There were too many If Only. But it was pointless. None of it would have happened. No one cared, no one bothered. I was better off dead. Just like when my mom told me ” I never wanted you ” I understand that NOW BECAUSE if my biological mom never wanted me, who else would have.

 

 

 

 

Unwanted, cheap and worthless was my name

I never slept whilst I was on the drugs for a few days, neither did I eat. All I wanted to do was take the drug and wish that something negative would happen. Anyways, my life wasn’t worth anything for a start. This went on for a few months. There were many occasions when the girl would text me, offering to buy some food for me. After a while, I realized I was being too naive and trusting. I know that she wasn’t sincere at all. She intentionally used ”M” phone to text me. Telling me things like they were on the way to pass me the $10.

 

How can a human be so inhuman

How would you feel being in my shoes, the girl who you caught with your partner, being nice to you on the start and now calling you names and blaming you for everything that happened? She blamed me for everything that was happening to me, she told me that ”M” preferred her because she was a virgin and that I am now old, unwanted, cheap and worthless. The kind of pain I felt is indescribable, how can someone be so heartless? It was not something I can comprehend up to this day.

 

 

At The Present Time

At this moment

These are just a few of the incidents which happened leading up to my depression, anxiety and whatever other mental traumas are suffering from.

 

The truth as I write

It is indeed very painful as I haven’t recovered myself. Walking down memory lane definitely triggered me. It feels like as though I had to relive the moments which I had buried deep away.

 

Opening the Doors

Opening the Doors

The purpose

In the support groups, forums, and even self-help groups. I noticed that there were many people who were experiencing a similar situation as I was back then. People who are heartbroken, depressed, lonely, hopeless, and even thinking of suicide. I want to share my story with you to help you and to help me.

 

 

A note to my readers, and those in pain

You are not alone

If you are experiencing a similar pain, please know that you are not alone. We can support one another in all of this mess. Many people may not understand or even be empathetic about it, but that doesn’t and shouldn’t affect you and me. Everyone’s journey isn’t the same. And no 2 persons are alike. It doesn’t matter what they say or has to say. We don’t need any more advises, or people to pry into our business, our pain, and struggles. Sometimes all we need is to know that there is someone out there, living under the same sky as you who is struggling too. You are not alone.

 

REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH EVERYTHING

You have a RIGHT, Your story, your pain, and your struggle are yours and for you to own.

Don’t ever allow anyone to take that little bit left in you.

 

LOVE AND HOPE

LOVE AND HOPE

 

I’ll end of here today, after writing this article it has indeed triggered me. The pain is real and the memories will never be gone. I don’t know what is ahead waiting for me. To find out more, please give me your support. It means a lot for me to go on and have a purpose and meaning in my life.